Thursday, August 28, 2014

In The Blink Of An Eye

In the blink of an eye... everything can change. Can and did, on the 3rd of July.

"The Accident"

I was driving a country road, one I had taken often. One that had always brought to mind the possibility of a collision due to the 80 km/hr speed limits and lack of visibility on these tree lined back roads. Being the freak that I am, I normally slow down a bit as I approach each intersection but on that particular morning, of course, I did not. It was a beautiful July day, the sun was shining, temps were already climbing into the 80's, I had the road to myself and I was just sailing happily along. Not the kind of day you need to slow down and look both ways when you have the right of way. Nahhh...




I was about 5 minutes from my destination when I glanced down at the car radio for a time check. Upon returning my eyes to the road, literally in the blink of an eye, I saw a car fast approaching me from the right at a 90 degree angle. Somehow the driver had not seen the big red stop sign that was surely glaring at her obnoxiously from the corner of that road. She made no attempt to brake and in that brief moment as I watched the gap narrow between us I closed my eyes, accepted that death was most likely imminent and braced myself for impact.

Surprisingly, after what seemed like being rocket launched into a brick wall, I felt the borrowed vehicle that I'd been driving roll to a bumpy stop. I opened my eyes and discovered that I was in a farmer's field and very much alive. My victory jig would have to wait though, the car was filling with smoke and I was sure I saw small yet distinct red flames dancing just above the hood. Panicked and in a state of shock I unfastened my seat belt and tried to open my door but it was jammed; my next move was for the passenger door which was also jammed. While I was over there I tried the passenger window but unfortunately the button had broken off. I then moved back to the driver's side and managed to get the window down enough to climb out. I went out head first and landed on the somewhat soft, dry dirt below. I climbed to my feet, confused and disoriented. I couldn't process why I was missing one of my new Nike Free 5.0's...



As I attempted to move a safe distance from my vehicle which was now rumbling and emitting some sort of strange grunting sounds I just kept falling to the ground. I repeatedly got back up and moved a few feet before once again collapsing and ending up on my knees in the dirt. I became aware of a man in a business suit, he was sort of following me and talking on his cell phone. He approached me cautiously and advised that I was in shock and may be injured. He encouraged me to remain seated on the ground until EMS arrived.

And injured I was... it took a few minutes after I was out of the vehicle to realize I was experiencing a crushing pain in my chest. It was very painful just to breathe let alone speak. This made walking very difficult and I ended up taking the good Samaritan's advice and stayed put. It was extremely difficult as this sort of event is guaranteed to trigger a whopper of a panic attack in me. My monkey mind was in overdrive and for the third time that morning I thought I was going to die. This time right there in the dirt. Just sitting there was allowing me to feel the pain... and have all those awful thoughts. So in an attempt to keep my mind and body occupied I tried to locate some of my personal items. My phone, purse, missing sneaker... not able to explain my motives to the nice man in the field, I just repeatedly asked him where my things were and told him I needed to make a call. He assisted me with my quest for the items and making the call. He continued to speak to someone on his phone from time to time and would then reassure me that help was on the way. This being a rural area, it took a very long time for emergency workers to arrive on scene.

EMS, Fire Dept. and Ontario Provincial Police did finally make an appearance and I was taken to a nearby emergency room where they checked for any internal damage caused by the impact to my chest. Once the attending doc was certain there were no issues with my heart, I was patched up, prescribed some evil pharmaceuticals and released.

"The Aftermath"

The following days and weeks were a painful blur. The loss of my autonomy was the most frustrating part of the experience for me. Those that know me well can tell you that my workaholic tendencies will likely be the death of me. I never sit still so being restricted in my daily activities was (and continues to be) a fucking NIGHTMARE! Please don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful to still be here. Things could have been a lot worse for me that day. The reality is, however that I AM here and I now have to deal with a lengthy physical recovery, a recurrence of acute panic attacks, some serious financial setbacks and probably the worst of it all is the impact it's had on the kids.

Please allow me to vent for a moment... with the exception of 2 or 3 occasions, I haven't really seen Miss Evan in two months. She has a very full dance card and I'm now unable to play taxi driver and sleepover hostess for her and her friends so she's been staying with Grandma. This temporary solution alleviates the immediate concern of her day to day care but has created a whole new set of other issues. I've had to cancel a long list of planned outings/activities for July and August which pretty much make up our summer here in SWO. Other than the first week or so following the accident which he spent with my mom, this has left Master Tristan with very little to do. With his issues he doesn't handle disappointment well. He also doesn't have the social circle that Evan does and it is always more difficult to occupy him. Over the past 5 weeks I've watched him become withdrawn and isolate himself in his room, declining offers to hang out with me. This isn't surprising given that he's become quite angry with me over all this upset... as though it was somehow my doing. The end result has been extensive damage to our home and even some physical aggression toward me. It breaks my heart to see all the progress we've made over the past several years go out the window in the blink of an eye.

"Moving Forward"

All I can do is take each day as it comes and work toward a speedy recovery. I've been managing the pain with a combination of those evil pharmaceuticals, some natural anti-inflammatory products, meditation, Reiki and when all else fails... my awesome heating pad and yes, even that thing I hate most, good old fashioned rest. A few more weeks of physiotherapy and we'll be able to reassess my injuries and my ability to return to normal activities. For the sake of the kids and that of my sanity, please wish me luck!


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