Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Embracing Our Uniqueness

To give you a little history, my ten year old son has been a handful since, well... since day one I guess. He's had a variety of behavioural issues which included an inability to handle change ( like literally, he  needed to wear the same clothes every day, that was fun...), being hyper-sensitive to anything touching his skin (he would cut the bottom third of all his sleeves off and trying to get a winter coat on him in the middle of a cold Canadian winter was even more fun - he'd carry on like someone was trying to murder him and would honestly rather freeze to death than put on a jacket... couldn't stand "the feel of it" he would say) and of course we can't forget his extremely aggressive outbursts (the most fun EVER!) He's been tested for autism, Aspberger's Syndrome, learning disabilities and although the only confirmed medical diagnoses were the old standby's ADHD and ODD, I know that our little guy has some very special needs.

(I discovered later that he has food and chemical sensitivities as well; more on this later.)

The conclusion of the professional medical team who assessed him over a four year period was that his behaviour is the result of extreme emotional trauma in his early years. Without writing a short novel here, let me just sum it up like this...

"Not to say that children aren't resilient but of my three, I painstakingly watch him handle change and life events with far more difficulty than the others. From losing his baby brother at a very young age due to a rare, congenital kidney disease (and the extended absence of a mother while I moved into the hospital with sick baby brother) to his inconsistent and distant relationship with dad and ongoing struggles within the school system this boy has seen his share of life changes. Along with chemical sensitivities and a medical diagnosis of which the title matters not, the combination of factors at play for Tristan can result in some explosive behavior at times as he struggles to identify and process his emotions."

Poor guy... I really should come back and read my own words in those moments when I just want to strangle the little bugger! (I mean that figuratively, of course.) On a serious note though, it can be hard sometimes to remember that all of us, whatever our age, beneath our tough outer shells, we are all children. Children, seeking love and acceptance.

We had occasion to hold a full family meeting this evening and it turned into a great opportunity to remind everyone that each of us experiences a different reality, one that we choose through our own thoughts and expectations. I choose to focus on Tristan's light and give him the love and acceptance that he missed early on. Although he struggles with his emotions, he is also the brightest, most compassionate, inquisitive, determined and loving kid I know and he has inspired a tremendous amount of personal growth in me. Even though his siblings are often embarrassed by Tristan's behaviour, I still encouraged them tonight to embrace their brother's uniqueness and I reminded them that his strong will is going to serve him well one day. The attributes that make parenting him so difficult today are exactly the qualities that I want to see in my children when they enter the adult world. Who knows, maybe he'll be a great libertarian leader one day and make his brother and sister proud. It's just unfortunate for those of us who have to deal with him now that his determination and strong will don't have an on/off switch!

Most aren't as lucky as I am to have this sort of "in your face" reminder to embrace uniqueness but I will pass this universal message on and encourage you to embrace your family's uniqueness and to look deeper into your own challenges to find the learning opportunities in them. To do so can bring peace, enlightenment and expanded awareness to your life.

**UPDATE: Since originally writing this post, we've discovered that Tristan has a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) to thank for his unique challenges. We're learning more about it every day which gives him something to identify with. Although he will never be your average kid (and I wouldn't want him to be) he's handling his related challenges better and better as he matures.


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