When Parents Disagree...

 "If you resist what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth our time are precisely those that challenge our convictions."

Much needed quality time at Dad's :)

The kids recently had a nice visit with their father after a gap of a few years since the last one. It breaks my heart to see my son grasping at the shadow of the only male figure he really wants in his life but never quite reaching anything solid. As a matter of fact it was weighing so heavily on my mind that I recently involved myself in the dating world because said ten year old was begging me to "find him a stepfather" who would do things with him the way Dad used to... I know, right?!

It's the simple things they miss the most.

Needless to say, when you are doing something like that for the wrong reasons, it's bound to be a disaster and sure enough it couldn't have been a bigger one. "Nuff said!

Moving on, Dad had, after a long silence, begun to respond to the kids' emails while we were in Central America but seemingly only for the purpose of expressing his disapproval of our traveling and unschooling lifestyle. You see, Dad has a very different outlook on life than I do unfortunately and seems to think it's appropriate to discuss our differences with eight and ten year old children. Ay-ay-ay!

My point is not that I am right and he is wrong; we simply have very different views, opinions and parenting styles. It happens. While I lean more toward liberal, laid back, consent-based parenting (a "free for all" as dad would say) my husband is quite the opposite with an almost military style about him. He would frequently say things like: "Shoes that are removed at the door are to be put in their designated place, within an inch, no exceptions and failure to do so is punishable up to and including a dishonorable discharge!"(Or an ass-whooping!) Of course we both think the other is nuts and will surely ruin the children if left to administer their upbringing.

Dad & I also handle our frustration differently. I have a history of trying too hard to repair hopeless situations when I should really just walk away and Dad has a harder time maintaining communication with those who frustrate him so he simply disconnects. (Hence the extended gap between visits with the kids; I frustrate him and he cuts us all off...)

Evan's favorite part of visiting Dad...

So what do you do when you find yourself at wit's end with an ex-spouse or even a "spouse-in-good-standing" over how to parent, educate or feed your children? I've tried every angle here trust me, from outright resistance to passive-aggressive behavior to simply sticking my fingers in my ears and singing until he disappeared. I finally learned that you can't control other people. Period. I also learned that you will most definitely drive yourself crazy trying.

What you can do, is accept that you are two different people with two different perspectives. It can be difficult to recall but try to think back to a day when you respected this person's opinions. Realize that as different as their views may be from yours, they are still your child's parent and they love them as much as you do. With the exception of abuse, any parenting style which is motivated by love for your children is healthier than no parenting whatsoever.

Something most folks don't want to hear is "Try to keep an open mind." but you just never know when you may find that your adversary is onto something. Let your ego and your past hurts associated with this person go and really listen to what they have to say. You might find that you agree on more than you thought.

Okay, even if you'll poke your own eyes out before you'll agree with the opposition, at least try to understand where their concerns are originating. Acknowledge them. It goes a long way.

It also helps to communicate openly... often the things we dislike most about the other parent's methods is something we've created in our own monkey minds and not  even a reality. We can't assume that dad (or mom) is feeding the kids at McDonald's every day when we aren't there. Sharing meal plans, study schedules and discipline strategies between homes leave no room for assumption. You may not always agree but at least you are fully aware of how things are handled in both homes.

I (and my son) have both learned that the answer is not running out to find a replacement for dad but to try to work with the one we've got. No, we can't wave a magic wand and make him call, nor can we make him change how he feels about our chosen lifestyle but I can certainly be less resistant and let him do it his way during their visits. Hopefully one day, we can actually work together toward common goals for the kids but until then we can give each other what we would give any complete stranger and what we once gave freely in our own relationship...  a little simple respect. Our kids are far too precious for us to be divided to the point of distraction and petty arguing. With a little respect for ourselves, each other and the kids, we can raise them to be respectful, loving adults. I heard something once about being able to disagree but hold hands; can't really remember the exact quote but this is definitely something I think is important to demonstrate to our children and I'm hoping this is one thing Dad can agree with.